NO. You can’t have that! - essay on kids

In English please:

When my child was very young, about 3 years old, I had a problem of getting her to understand that certain things cost money and others things cost more money and that there is a “value system”, to a child the concept of a ice-cream has more value than a late model BMW and if asked to choose, the ice-cream will be top choice, especially though the eyes of a 3 year old. My child did not really understand why you can’t have it and of course would get upset for not being able to have it, thinking we as parents we denying them something for no reason, which of course is not true.

Now, I, like many parents don’t like to say ‘NO’ to their kids. And like many parents when you go shopping, the kids tend to demand all sorts of things and just ‘know’ what to say and do to get these things. I believe there is a point in any Parents life that if Ronald McDonald appeared at that time that would have been his certain death. McDonalds has caused me more heartache than all supermarkets and any other fast food franchise combined and this is something shared by almost any parent, however McDonalds is not at fault for being successful.

During one of these moments of stress, to put it mildly, I devised a plan to TAKE BACK CONTROL OF MY LIFE. I want to make my child happy and give her what she needs, but at the same time, teaching a method of moderation and exchange.

I grew up in an era where punishment was considered the ideal method of educating the youth and contrary to popular belief, it did steer me away from certain courses of action, however the end result was more harm than good. So punishment, use of threat and force, does not really mean much to a young child, the only thing it communicates is that you do not love them and that’s why you are mad.

Some Kids I know are very hard to manage, we have seen them all and often we thank the dear Lord, they are not ours. But the parents are stuck with them and this leave a problem for that parent.

Discipline is vital to any child as it is to an adult. Punishment and Discipline is not the same thing. Discipline has many incorrect definitions as far as raising children go and a more correct one would be:

Discipline:

“Training to act in accordance with established rules; accustoming to systematic and regular action; drill.” Webster Dictionary, 1913

I then devised and ran a proposed “Reward System” as it was known to me and “Good Points” as it was known to my daughter.

What did this do?

It gave her enough power and put her cause over the things she wanted.

How did it work?

I explained to her the system first of how the household operated, basically that the reason we go to work it to pay for things such as Holiday trips, meals when we eat out and other things that she would understand at her age. I would tell her I get ‘good point’ form my Boss, when I go to work, when I get there on time etc.
Talking about Electricity or a phone bill, rent, rates etc doesn’t mean much to a 3 year old, but saying you need money or points to pay for the plane to take us The Theme park is something she might understand. Then because she doesn’t necessarily know the value system of money, that if you showed her a dollar coin, shiny and bright and a 100 dollar note, she’ll take the shiny coin, so money doesn’t have any significance, yet. Not all kids are like this, some kids are smarter than others but as a general rule, I followed the above.

Then I made a sort of deal with her, no remember the above does not happen in 1 day. It takes a couple of days to get her kids to understand what you talking about, but you want them to get a reality of what you saying, so when you take them to the supermarket, you show them that you are paying for stuff, you mention that that is what people do and that is why they stand in line for.

The idea you want to get across to your kids is that, there is an exchange system. You give something and in return you get something and with this system you can have whatever you want as long as you have what is required to give.

I then introduced the “Reward System”. It started like this. I took a piece of paper and on it I wrote her name, in big colors. Then I said to her that for any good things she does she will receive a reward. And when she did something good, like packed away her stuff, or went to bed early, I made asked her how she wanted to make the mark or tick, usually it would have to be a star or heart and then I made it. It took at first some patience but it paid off at the end. Now when we went shopping I would indicate to her that if she could have whatever she wanted in the store that she liked and she just had to use her ‘good points’

Now I started adding arbitrary numbers to items, making items not too easy to get, but not too hard. She use to love getting milkshake drinks and would nag and nag for it, now all I said was “milkshake drinks is 5 good points”. Eventually she learned the system and I always kept my word, it didn’t matter what she wanted, MacDonald’s, Toys, etc, all of it required good points. Sometimes she would work for days to get a certain amount of points for say a skipping rope which would cost 50 good points. It meant that she will have help a lot around the house and do some clean up or something to earn those points. The most important thing about the point system is to keep it updated each week and get her to decide what she wants. After this was introduced I never again had to say the dreadful words “you can’t have that”, now it was “that cost _____ points”. Sometime she would say how many points for a “dog” or “cat” and because the apartment we stayed in did not allow animals it would be “500 points” and she would say, I’m going to make that. And I would say, Good on you. After accumulating say 50 or even 80 points, we just have to step into a store and she’d see something she likes. She’s say , I want that how many points, and I’d say “60 points” and remind her that she is saving for a dog, she say, I’ll make more points, of course, the temptation of the toys in the store always tends to make her spend her points. The main thing here is she gets to decide in what she wants and she knows that if something is a certain amount of points, no matter what it is, she will get it, because that the “reward system” today she is old enough to understand money and instead of saying “good points” I just have to say $1 or 50c.


On birthdays and special occasions, I would tell her that she does not have to use her points, but that I would have to use my points as this is special. She really liked this.

Also when she got a good school report or did something really good, she would of course get bonus points, 10 points for being “student of the week”

Again the emphasis is on reward.

Penalties

Now what did I do when she wasn’t co-operative? Never, as a rule take away points for bad behavior. Non acceptable behavior does not accumulate “bad points”, bad points do not exist, only good points, if she did a non acceptable action, it would be ignored or dealt with the appropriate action, but never mention or threaten to take away points or that they will lose points or any such thing. All your hard work will be lost if you make that mistake and you and whatever you do thereafter will be treated with suspicion; it will then take awhile to win back the trust.

At no time, ever, no matter what she did, did I say you can’t use the points. If you make a promise, you have to keep it, no matter what. Even if they make you so mad, you still have to keep it, unless they decide to change it or no longer are interested in it.

Discipline as per the definition above can take on many forms, but I find in dealing with kids you have to be just a little bit above their level necessary to get you communication across. And sometimes you will find that level of theirs is pretty high. The main thing with discipline as a system it has to be compared to something. The system has to be something real, not what you don’t like. It is the overall plan you have for the child, be it they grow up a be successful or do well in life or whatever, then you look and see if the discipline is directing them towards that goal. Even as enforcing bed time or something like that, the moment you enforce discipline as a action because they ‘annoying’ you or that the kids are getting on your nerves, then you need to get some Dianetics auditing.

This is not an essay on how to discipline, there are too many opinions on that already, but as a note, it is something that is needed only to the degree keeps the kids happy.

Idea of Good or Bad

Now kids don’t really know what is good or bad, they know but they don’t have the same idea that we have. For example. A kid will think staying up really late at night is good and you making them go to bed early - bad.

So when you introduce the concept of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ you will have to refer to what is generally socially considered ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and not what you think is ‘good’ or ‘bad’.
Socially ‘swearing in public’ is considered bad and being helpful to other is considered ‘good’. Personally you might think swearing at another in front the kids as ‘good’ and
kids touching things in stores as ‘bad’.

Think for a moment what is your idea of a ‘good boy’ or ‘good girl’ is and you’ll see some interesting things and all you need to do is compare what you think a good boy or girl should be doing to what society considers a good boy or girl should be doing. And society does not mean you social club or local church or your family, but society as a whole.

Doing the above can be a trial for some and easy for others. The skills you need to do the above are simple communication, an understanding of children and basic understanding of the mind. This information can be gotten at any Church Of Scientology. There are some books on the subject of Children that covers some of the points mentioned here as well as the book the Way to Happiness that has a section on children. Take this information, if you seriously have the best interests for your kids at heart. Of course a must read is the Scientology booklet “Children” as this would give you a foundation on how to treat children in general.



There you have my opinion on raising kids and giving them power of choice, self determinism and knowledge of exchange regarding money. This system is not the best system or the only system, it’s just a system. It might work for you or it might not, but if you seriously want control especially when you go shopping, then this is the way to do it.


© Ricky Saunders 2007


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“He that would live in peace & at ease,
Must not speak all he knows, nor judge all he sees” B.F 1736

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According to research at an English university, it doesn't matter in what order the letters
in a word are, the only important thing is that the first and last letter is at the right place.
The rest can be a total mess and you can still read it without problem.
This is because we do not read every letter by it self but the word as a whole.

In Gobbledygook Please:

Wehn my cihld was vrey ynuog, aobut 3 yeras old, I had a porelbm of gttenig her to urednsnatd that creiatn thgnis csot moeny and ohtres tnihgs csot mroe menoy and taht trehe is a "vulae stsyem", to a clihd the cecnopt of a iecerc-am has mroe vlaue tahn a ltae medol BMW and if asked to cohose, the icrc-eeam wlil be top cciohe, epseclaily though the eeys of a 3 yaer old. My cihld did not raelly uednsrnatd why you can't hvae it and of cuosre wluod get upset for not bieng albe to hvae it, tknihnig we as peratns we deynnig tehm stemohnig for no raeosn, which of csruoe is not ture.

Now, I, lkie mnay partnes don't lkie to say 'NO' to tiehr kdis. And like mnay pnerats wehn you go sohnippg, the kdis tend to dmeand all srots of tgnihs and just 'konw' waht to say and do to get tsehe tnihgs. I bleveie trehe is a ponit in any Pnerats lfie that if Rlanod MoDcnlad aepperad at taht tmie taht wluod have been his creiatn detah. MoDclands has cesuad me mroe haeatrhce than all srepuamkrtes and any otehr fsat food frnasihce cmoenibd and tihs is smoteihng shraed by asomlt any pranet, hoewevr MoDcdlans is not at fualt for bnieg scucesfsul.

Dirung one of thsee momnets of srtses, to put it mdlily, I dsiveed a paln to TKAE BACK CTNOORL OF MY LFIE. I wnat to mkae my cihld hppay and gvie her waht she ndees, but at the smae tmie, tcaeihng a meohtd of medoitaron and ehcxgnae.

I gerw up in an era wrehe psinuemhnt was cnosedired the iaedl mteohd of euditacng the ytuoh and ctnorary to plupoar beilef, it did seetr me away form catrein couesrs of aoitcn, hvewoer the end ruselt was mroe hram than good. So psinumhent, use of trheat and fcroe, deos not rllaey maen mcuh to a ynuog chlid, the olny tnihg it commcinuetas is taht you do not lvoe tehm and that's why you are mad.

Smoe Kdis I know are very hrad to mnagae, we hvae seen tehm all and oetfn we tnahk the daer Lrod, tehy are not orus. But the peratns are stcuk wtih them and tihs lvaee a plborem for taht perant.

Dicsipilne is vtial to any clihd as it is to an aludt. Pinuemhsnt and Dsiiclpnie is not the smae tihng. Dcsiilpine has mnay icnerroct denifinoits as far as riasing cdlihern go and a mroe crrocet one wuold be:

Dcsipienil:

"Triniang to act in aoccradcne wtih eatslbhsied rluse; aucctsimong to stsyameitc and rgealur atcnoi; dlirl." Wsbeetr Dtcinoiray, 1913

I then deesivd and ran a proposed "Rweard Stsyem" as it was kwonn to me and "Good Pniots" as it was kwonn to my dhguaetr.

Waht did tihs do?

It gave her enguoh pewor and put her csuae oevr the tnihgs she wetnad.

How did it wrok?

I elpxaenid to her the ssyetm fsrit of how the huoeshold opearetd, bcisallay taht the reosan we go to wrok it to pay for thnigs scuh as Hdiloay tpirs, mlaes when we eat out and ohter thigns that she wuold udnretsnad at her age. I wluod tlel her I get 'good pniot' from my Boss, wehn I go to work, wehn I get trehe on time etc.
Tlaikng auobt Eelirtcticy or a pnohe blil, rnet, retas etc deosn't maen mcuh to a 3 yaer old, but syaing you need menoy or pniots to pay for the pnale to tkae us The Tehme prak is semohtnig she mgiht uednsrnatd. Tehn buacese she deosn't nceasseliry konw the vulae ssyetm of money, that if you swohed her a dloalr cion, snihy and bgirht and a 100 dallor ntoe, she'll take the snihy cion, so moeny dosen't have any siingfcicnae, yet. Not all kdis are lkie this, smoe kids are stramer tahn oehtrs but as a genearl rlue, I followed the abvoe.

Then I mdae a srot of dael with her, no remember the abvoe does not heppan in 1 day. It tekas a cpuole of dyas to get her kdis to unsrednatd waht you tklanig abuot, but you want tehm to get a rlaetiy of waht you siyang, so when you tkae them to the sepuramrekt, you sohw tehm taht you are pyanig for sfutf, you mtneion taht taht is waht poeple do and taht is why tehy snatd in lnie for.

The ieda you want to get aorcss to yuor kdis is taht, tehre is an ehcxnage syetsm. You gvie smohteing and in rterun you get sohtemnig and wtih tihs setsym you can have wahteevr you wnat as lnog as you have waht is riuqeerd to gvie.

I tehn irtnudoecd the "Rrawed Stsyem". It satetrd lkie tihs. I took a pceie of pepar and on it I worte her nmae, in big coolrs. Then I siad to her taht for any good tihgns she deos she wlil recevie a rewrad. And wehn she did stemonihg good, lkie pkcaed away her stfuf, or wnet to bed elray, I mdae asked her how she wetnad to make the mrak or tcik, uusllay it wuold hvae to be a star or hraet and tehn I mdae it. It took at frist some peitacne but it piad off at the end. Now wehn we wnet sohpping I wluod incidate to her taht if she cluod hvae wetahver she wetnad in the sotre taht she lkied and she just had to use her 'good pniots'

Now I strated aiddng abrtirary numrebs to imets, mikang imets not too easy to get, but not too hrad. She use to lvoe gitteng miklkahse dnirks and wuold nag and nag for it, now all I siad was "msklikahe dnirks is 5 good piotns". Etnevlauly she leenrad the setsym and I awlays kpet my wrod, it ddin't mettar waht she wetnad, ManoDcald's, Tyos, etc, all of it reuqerid good piotns. Smoteimes she wolud wrok for dyas to get a cetrian anuomt of piotns for say a skipping rope wcihh wluod cost 50 good ptnios. It mnaet that she wlil hvae hlep a lot aornud the hosue and do smoe caeln up or semonihtg to eran tsohe potnis. The most ipmrotnat thing aobut the pniot ssyetm is to keep it uadpetd ecah week and get her to dcedie waht she wtnas. After tihs was itnudorecd I never agian had to say the daerdufl wdros "you can't hvae taht", now it was "that csot _____ piotns". Semomite she wluod say how many pionts for a "dog" or "cat" and becuase the araptemnt we seyatd in did not aollw ainlams it wluod be "500 ptnios" and she wluod say, I'm giong to mkae that. And I wolud say, Good on you. Atfer auccmlutanig say 50 or eevn 80 pniots, we jsut have to setp itno a sotre and she'd see semoihtng she lekis. She's say , I wnat that how many ptnios, and I'd say "60 ptnios" and renimd her taht she is saivng for a dog, she say, I'll mkae mroe pniots, of coruse, the teatpmoitn of the toys in the sotre awlyas tdnes to make her sepnd her ptnios. The mian tnihg hree is she gtes to dicede in waht she watns and she konws taht if semoihtng is a catrein amnuot of piotns, no mttaer waht it is, she wlil get it, becuase that the "reawrd syetsm" tadoy she is old eguonh to uednatsrnd menoy and itsnaed of siyang "good ptnios" I jsut have to say $1 or 50c.


On btriyadhs and sicepal occsanois, I wluod tlel her that she deos not hvae to use her ptnios, but taht I wolud hvae to use my poitns as tihs is sepaicl. She rllaey lekid tihs.

Also wehn she got a good school reoprt or did soemihtng rellay good, she wluod of cruose get bunos ptnios, 10 ptnios for benig "sdutnet of the week"

Aagin the ehpmisas is on reawrd.

Panelteis

Now waht did I do wehn she wsan't cpo-oareitve? Never, as a rule tkae aawy pniots for bad baheoivr. Non acctpealbe beivahor deos not amucctalue "bad pniots", bad pionts do not esixt, olny good ptnios, if she did a non aeccpbatle action, it wolud be iongerd or dlaet wtih the arpppoairte aoitcn, but never mitneon or trheetan to tkae aawy ptnios or taht tehy wlil lose pniots or any scuh tnihg. All yuor hrad wrok will be lsot if you make taht msitkae and you and wtaheevr you do theretfaer wlil be teretad wtih ssupoicin; it wlil tehn tkae alihwe to win bcak the tsurt.

At no time, eevr, no mttaer waht she did, did I say you can't use the ponits. If you make a pimorse, you hvae to keep it, no maettr waht. Eevn if tehy mkae you so mad, you stlil hvae to keep it, ulness tehy dicede to chnage it or no lgnoer are ineteretsd in it.

Dcsiilpine as per the dfeinitoin aobve can take on many fmros, but I fnid in dlaenig wtih kdis you have to be jsut a llttie bit avobe tiehr level nesecrasy to get you cmmoinuitacon arcsos. And semomites you wlil fnid that level of tiehrs is pretty hgih. The mian tnihg with disicilpne as a stsyem it has to be cpmoerad to smohtenig. The stsyem has to be semotihng rael, not what you don't lkie. It is the oarevll plan you hvae for the cihld, be it tehy gorw up a be seccuufssl or do wlel in lfie or whetaevr, tehn you look and see if the dsicilpine is drienitcg tehm trawods taht gaol. Eevn as erofnnicg bed time or stemoihng like that, the memont you enfroce dsipicilne as a acoitn buacese they 'annniyog' you or that the kdis are gettnig on yuor nvrees, then you need to get smoe Dainetics atiduing.

Tihs is not an essay on how to dispicnile, tehre are too mnay opoinins on taht arlaedy, but as a ntoe, it is sotemihng taht is ndeeed olny to the drgeee kpees the kdis hppay.

Ieda of Good or Bad

Now kdis don't rellay konw waht is good or bad, tehy konw but tehy don't hvae the same idea taht we have. For epmaxle. A kid wlil tihnk styanig up rellay late at nhgit is good and you mkaing them go to bed early - bad.

So when you iortnudce the ccnopet of 'good' and 'bad' you will hvae to rfeer to waht is gerenally scoailly cisnodreed 'good' or 'bad' and not what you tnihk is 'good' or 'bad'.
Sicolaly 'sewnirag in pbulic' is cnodisered bad and benig hleufpl to oehtr is cnosdiered 'good'. Posrelanly you mhgit think saewnirg at atonehr in fnort the kdis as 'good' and
kdis tocunihg tnihgs in stoers as 'bad'.

Tnihk for a mnemot waht is yuor ieda of a 'good boy' or 'good gril' is and you'll see smoe inerettsnig thnigs and all you need to do is copmrae waht you tnihk a good boy or gril sohlud be dniog to waht scoteiy coisndres a good boy or gril sohlud be doing. And seicoty does not maen you scoail culb or lcoal chcruh or yuor fmaliy, but scoitey as a wlohe.

Dniog the avobe can be a tairl for smoe and esay for ohtres. The skills you need to do the aobve are spmile commucinoitan, an unsredatidnng of cdlihern and bisac unredsatnidng of the mnid. Tihs ifnrotamoin can be gttoen at any Cuhcrh Of Seictngoloy. Tehre are some bkoos on the sucejbt of Cdlihern taht crevos smoe of the potnis mitneenod hree as well as the book the Way to Happsenis taht has a sitceon on cliherdn. Tkae tihs inofamroitn, if you soiresuly hvae the bset iretnsets for your kids at hraet. Of cruose a msut raed is the Sneictlogoy blkooet "Cliherdn" as this wuold gvie you a fuotadnion on how to taert clihdern in genearl.


All rhgit trehe you hvae my opnioin on raising kdis and gviing tehm power of cciohe, slef dreteminsim, knodelwge of eahcxgne rragenidg menoy. This setsym is not the bset ssytem or the olny stsyem, it's jsut a sysetm. It mgiht wrok for you or it mhgit not, but if you soireusly want cnortol ecepsllaiy wehn you go sppohnig, then tihs is the way to do it.


© Rikcy Snuaders 2007


"He taht wuold lvie in pcaee & at esae,
Must not spaek all he knows, nor jgdue all he sees" B.F 1376